Hi Baxter,
When the God Om came to the Discworld, he spokes his commandments. Due
to the time he spent as a tortoise, one of them involves commanding his
worshipers to pick up tortoises and carry them wherever they bloody well
please. Unless, and this is important, you are an eagle (As it turns out
these are the only birds that have figured out how to eat tortoises by
lifting them high in the sky and then dropping them).
Have you ever had eagle trouble?
Mr Sam "Of the Muppets" Eagle
Baxter says:
Deer SAM OH HAI wot is an eegl ah think it has a beek but its beek is not as nise as baxters
HANG ON AR YOO AN EEGL AR YOO BAAWLD HEE HEE HEE HEE HEEE HEEEE
lov the baxman xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Sam,
Nope, no eagle trouble here. The odd squirrel and magpie, but a good layer of mesh between us and them.
Dandelion
p.s. don't eat us we're poisonous
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Tasty tort
Helo unci bax,
Do ewe taste nice? Eye em hungry
Thor
Baxter says:
deer thor, ah wons likked mahself an ah taystid laik sellery and poo
lov baxxy tort xxx
Monday, 10 August 2009
Bright light
Dear Uncy Bax and Anti Dandy
I wuz luking out the windo larst nite and saww a horid silvr ting in the air, it wuz lukin at me! I tink it will eat me!
How can I not get ett?
Your mate
Thor
Baxter says:
DEER THOR hide littl tort HIDE or run run awai O BAX IS SCARD NOW AH AM TREMBLIN IN MAH SHEL
LOV SCARD TREMBLIN BAX XXX
Dandelion says:
Dear Thor,
Don't worry, it's just the moon. You probably don't understand what that is, but just know that it can't and won't hurt you.
Sleep easy,
Dandelion
Political disagreement
Dear Baxter,
I have a long standing acquaintance with whom I disagree on pretty much all political issues. In theory I'm fine with this and elect not to talk politics with her (neither of us will ever convince the other and it's just easier to agree to disagree and leave it at that, especially where such emotional issues are concerned) but she does not extend the same courtesey and continuously expresses her deep displeasure with a political candidate I support. Enough is enough and I'm sick of reading and hearing about her (only partially informed, contextless) rants and complaints but am not sure how to approach the subject. Politics and religion should never be discussed in public in my opinion.
Any suggestions as how I can ask how to be excluded from her comments?
Love,
An Admirer
I have a long standing acquaintance with whom I disagree on pretty much all political issues. In theory I'm fine with this and elect not to talk politics with her (neither of us will ever convince the other and it's just easier to agree to disagree and leave it at that, especially where such emotional issues are concerned) but she does not extend the same courtesey and continuously expresses her deep displeasure with a political candidate I support. Enough is enough and I'm sick of reading and hearing about her (only partially informed, contextless) rants and complaints but am not sure how to approach the subject. Politics and religion should never be discussed in public in my opinion.
Any suggestions as how I can ask how to be excluded from her comments?
Love,
An Admirer
Baxter says:
DEEAR ADMYRA, ah do not understan anythin yoo sed but ah can only presyoom it is a LOV LETTA TO BAXTER
WELL AH AM FLATERD YES FLATERD NOT FLATEND LIKE THE PANCAYK TORT
lov not flat bax xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Baxter's admirer,
It's a tough one. You name this person as an acquaintance rather than a good friend, which tempts me to suggest that you should make your feelings explicit. Tell her calmly but firmly, and only once. If she is someone who cares about you at all she will back off. It is possible she is not aware of how much her comments are bothering you.
Good luck,
Dandelion
Friday, 24 July 2009
Torty grammar fail
Dear Baxter,
I was wondering if it might be appropriate to send you on a
punctuation course when I suddenly realised that your grammar and
punctuation are most likely impeccable, and that the problem is with the
way you have to stand on the keys to type! I imagine that this causes
your responses to be delayed, whilst you furiously walk back and forth
to the Backspace key. Have you ever tried training a voice recognition
program to recognise Tortese (or is it Tortish?)?
Your friend,
Mysterious Mr. M
Baxter says:
DEER MISTEERIUS MISTER M WOT IS GRAMMER IS IT THAT NICE SMILEE MAN ON TEEVEE CALLD FRAYZER AH LIKE HIM AN HIS FUNNEH FASE baxter dusnt understand
lov BAXMAN BAX xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Mysterious Mr. M,
It's true, typing correctly when you're a tort is a tricky business. Unfortunately, we torts are silent apart from the occasional hiss and quacking noise, which are essentially meaningless, non-linguistic sounds.
Therefore sadly we must spend many an hour tapping the keyboard with our little claws, endeavouring to produce a grammatically correct response. Some try harder than others.
All the best,
Dandelion
I was wondering if it might be appropriate to send you on a
punctuation course when I suddenly realised that your grammar and
punctuation are most likely impeccable, and that the problem is with the
way you have to stand on the keys to type! I imagine that this causes
your responses to be delayed, whilst you furiously walk back and forth
to the Backspace key. Have you ever tried training a voice recognition
program to recognise Tortese (or is it Tortish?)?
Your friend,
Mysterious Mr. M
Baxter says:
DEER MISTEERIUS MISTER M WOT IS GRAMMER IS IT THAT NICE SMILEE MAN ON TEEVEE CALLD FRAYZER AH LIKE HIM AN HIS FUNNEH FASE baxter dusnt understand
lov BAXMAN BAX xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Mysterious Mr. M,
It's true, typing correctly when you're a tort is a tricky business. Unfortunately, we torts are silent apart from the occasional hiss and quacking noise, which are essentially meaningless, non-linguistic sounds.
Therefore sadly we must spend many an hour tapping the keyboard with our little claws, endeavouring to produce a grammatically correct response. Some try harder than others.
All the best,
Dandelion
Monday, 13 July 2009
Torty powers of prediction
Dear Baxter,
I've heard that torts can sense when rain is coming and stuff like that so was wondering if you could maybe have a go at sensing the lottery numbers for this Wednesday for me.
Regards,
Alan :O)
PS, I will pop a tub of Nutrobal in the post if the jackpot comes up
Baxter says:
DEER ALAN HAI nootroball is that wot makes me BIG AN STRONG okay the numbers wil bee
ZEERO, TWELFTYONE, SIXTEE, TOO FAT LAYDIS EYTEE EYT, ZED, MAYNUS FOR, TOO AN A HARF.
GUD LUK ALAN AH HOPE YOO WIN
lov the baxman xxx
Dandelion says:
Hi Alan,
My prediction is; 2, 10, 26, 27, 34, 37
I hope you win, I am drooling at the thought of that lovely white powder.
Good luck,
Dandelion
I've heard that torts can sense when rain is coming and stuff like that so was wondering if you could maybe have a go at sensing the lottery numbers for this Wednesday for me.
Regards,
Alan :O)
PS, I will pop a tub of Nutrobal in the post if the jackpot comes up
Baxter says:
DEER ALAN HAI nootroball is that wot makes me BIG AN STRONG okay the numbers wil bee
ZEERO, TWELFTYONE, SIXTEE, TOO FAT LAYDIS EYTEE EYT, ZED, MAYNUS FOR, TOO AN A HARF.
GUD LUK ALAN AH HOPE YOO WIN
lov the baxman xxx
Dandelion says:
Hi Alan,
My prediction is; 2, 10, 26, 27, 34, 37
I hope you win, I am drooling at the thought of that lovely white powder.
Good luck,
Dandelion
Friday, 26 June 2009
Lost and alone
Helo Bax and Dandi,
I am all by myself. Boring yoda was here but now is gone and my hous is gotten smaller. I had lots of space to run run run run run but now I just hav a small space and can only run run.
I want my space back and want to see boring yoda cos he tasts nice.
Wats hapning?
Your mate
Thor
I am all by myself. Boring yoda was here but now is gone and my hous is gotten smaller. I had lots of space to run run run run run but now I just hav a small space and can only run run.
I want my space back and want to see boring yoda cos he tasts nice.
Wats hapning?
Your mate
Thor
Baxter says:
HALLLO THOR ah herd a rumer that yoo are seperaytid becos yoo wer a NORTY TORT and BIT POR YODA plees doant bite baxter ahm scared now
lov scard bax xxx
Dandelion says:
Hello Thor,
As a Horsfield it can be in our nature to be aggressive and bite other torts. It might seem fun at the time, but your human will inevitably separate you. Sounds like this has happened to you. Why not prove to your human you can be well behaved? Then you'll be back in your big enclosure in no time. Good luck!
Dandelion
Microchipping thoughts for torts
Dear Baxter and Dandy,
I am a torty dad of one happy Hermanns aged 8. I am thinking of have him microchipped incase he is lost or stolen. I am concerned that this procedure my be invasive for him and cause issues in the future.
Your thoughts please.
Kindest regards
Rodney
I am a torty dad of one happy Hermanns aged 8. I am thinking of have him microchipped incase he is lost or stolen. I am concerned that this procedure my be invasive for him and cause issues in the future.
Your thoughts please.
Kindest regards
Rodney
Baxter says:
DEER RODNY ah wonted too eet microchipps but mah mummy sez they are not for torts only hoomans PLEES CAN YOO GET ME SUM
lov BAXTER TORT XX
Dandelion says:
Dear Rodney,
Thanks for your email. I'm by no means an expert on this, but at 8 years old I suspect your tort is big enough to be safely microchipped if you wish to do so. Is he larger than 10cm? I have read that this is the minimum recommended size, preferably bigger. There is no actual legal requirement to have your Hermanns chipped unless you want to breed or sell him, although as you say, some choose to chip their torts in case of loss or theft.
If in doubt you could always have a chat with your tort vet.
All the best to you and your tort,
Dandelion
Woof woof
Dear Baxter,
Woof woof woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof? Woof woof.
Love,
Enzo
Woof woof woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof? Woof woof.
Love,
Enzo
Baxter says:
DEER ENZO wot is wooof DUZ IT MEEN YOO LOV BAXTER AH THINK IT DUZ YOO CHEEKI THING
lov baxter xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Enzo,
Sorry it's taken so long to reply, I've been brushing up on my Dog:
Woof woof woof woof woof. Woof? Woof, woof woof woof. Woof woof!
Love,
Dandy
Sunday, 21 June 2009
The way to a tort's heart
Dear Baxter,
I want to dig up my front garden because it is mostly weeds and this weird kind of moss. Would you and your shelled friends like to come over and eat it all?
Love,
An Admirer
Baxter says:
OH HAY admyra WOTS THAT YOO SAY food for torts WOT IS MOSS IS IT NOM ah think ah lov yoo baxters hart is in mah belleh WHER IS YOR TORT TABL AH WILL COM ROWND
lov baxter hungri tort xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Admirer,
Thank you, that's very kind. I don't think torts can eat moss but there are plenty of weeds we can eat. My favourite is sow thistle and chickweed, yum yum.
Love Dandelion
I want to dig up my front garden because it is mostly weeds and this weird kind of moss. Would you and your shelled friends like to come over and eat it all?
Love,
An Admirer
Baxter says:
OH HAY admyra WOTS THAT YOO SAY food for torts WOT IS MOSS IS IT NOM ah think ah lov yoo baxters hart is in mah belleh WHER IS YOR TORT TABL AH WILL COM ROWND
lov baxter hungri tort xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Admirer,
Thank you, that's very kind. I don't think torts can eat moss but there are plenty of weeds we can eat. My favourite is sow thistle and chickweed, yum yum.
Love Dandelion
Saturday, 30 May 2009
Unwelcome visitor
Dear Baxter,
I have an evil visitor called Murgatroyd and don't know how to get rid of it. Everytime I move my arm THERE HE IS.
Love,
An Admirer
Baxter says:
HAY THER ADMYRA ah am frytenned wat is this monster yoo hav will it com for baxter plees help ahm scard MAYBEE YOO SHUD CALL THE PLEESS OR YOR MUMMY THATS WOT IDE DOO
lov scard baxter xxxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Baxter's Admirer,
A little birdie has told me that your unwelcome visitor is a burn on your arm. To help treat burns, you could try fresh aloe vera, or some burn cream from the chemist. Keep it clean and if it needs protection, wrap your arm in a loose bandage.
Love,
Dandelion
I have an evil visitor called Murgatroyd and don't know how to get rid of it. Everytime I move my arm THERE HE IS.
Love,
An Admirer
Baxter says:
HAY THER ADMYRA ah am frytenned wat is this monster yoo hav will it com for baxter plees help ahm scard MAYBEE YOO SHUD CALL THE PLEESS OR YOR MUMMY THATS WOT IDE DOO
lov scard baxter xxxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Baxter's Admirer,
A little birdie has told me that your unwelcome visitor is a burn on your arm. To help treat burns, you could try fresh aloe vera, or some burn cream from the chemist. Keep it clean and if it needs protection, wrap your arm in a loose bandage.
Love,
Dandelion
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Upsetting news
Dear Baxter,
I JUST HEARD SOME VERY UPSETTING NEWS ABOUT SOMEONE I ADMIRE VERY MUCH AND DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS POTENTIALLY LIFE ALTERING CHANGE.
WHAT DO I DO?
LOVE,
AN ADMIRER
PS I HEARD A CHANGE ABOUT SOMEONE I ADMIRE LESS ALSO AND THAT IS WAY LESS STRESSFUL
PPS IT'S A TORT
Baxter says:
OH HAY ADMYRER YOO JUST CARNT stay away can yoo ah did not understand wot yoo meen but dandy told mee yoo ar upset that baxter is too yung to no if hee is boy or girl tort and that if he is girl he will be calld JOOLY BAXTER well doant yoo wurry mah lovly baxter is MAN THROO AN THROO ah am jus shor of it ah meen can yoo imajin bax layin EGGS WELL CAN YOO
lov BAXTER BOY TORT XXX
I JUST HEARD SOME VERY UPSETTING NEWS ABOUT SOMEONE I ADMIRE VERY MUCH AND DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS POTENTIALLY LIFE ALTERING CHANGE.
WHAT DO I DO?
LOVE,
AN ADMIRER
PS I HEARD A CHANGE ABOUT SOMEONE I ADMIRE LESS ALSO AND THAT IS WAY LESS STRESSFUL
PPS IT'S A TORT
Baxter says:
OH HAY ADMYRER YOO JUST CARNT stay away can yoo ah did not understand wot yoo meen but dandy told mee yoo ar upset that baxter is too yung to no if hee is boy or girl tort and that if he is girl he will be calld JOOLY BAXTER well doant yoo wurry mah lovly baxter is MAN THROO AN THROO ah am jus shor of it ah meen can yoo imajin bax layin EGGS WELL CAN YOO
lov BAXTER BOY TORT XXX
Bratty tort
Hi Uncy Bax and Aunty Dandy,
Mummy and Daddy brought a new tort to my house last week. He is a brat. He is called Thor and he just wont let me sleep because he is always running around, waking me up and he steals my food!
Do you have any recommendations for getting rid of pesky bratty torts for good? I tried burying him alive but mummy found him.
Thanking you in advance
Yoda
Baxter says:
OH HAY YODA ITS YOO AGEN if tort is meen yoo shud steel his food or tell yor mummy that he is eevil tort ah like yoo yoo no baxter is on yor side leetle tort
LOV YOR FAVERIT TORT THE BAXMAN XXXX
Dandelion says:
Dear Yoda,
Perhaps Thor is overexcited at being in his new home. Maybe you should try and be friends with this tort. And if he carries on the way he is, tell your mummy who will make things better.
Love,
Dandy
Mummy and Daddy brought a new tort to my house last week. He is a brat. He is called Thor and he just wont let me sleep because he is always running around, waking me up and he steals my food!
Do you have any recommendations for getting rid of pesky bratty torts for good? I tried burying him alive but mummy found him.
Thanking you in advance
Yoda
Baxter says:
OH HAY YODA ITS YOO AGEN if tort is meen yoo shud steel his food or tell yor mummy that he is eevil tort ah like yoo yoo no baxter is on yor side leetle tort
LOV YOR FAVERIT TORT THE BAXMAN XXXX
Dandelion says:
Dear Yoda,
Perhaps Thor is overexcited at being in his new home. Maybe you should try and be friends with this tort. And if he carries on the way he is, tell your mummy who will make things better.
Love,
Dandy
Swine flu
Dear Baxter,
I am worried about swine flu. I heard somewhere that if you catch it you turn into a pig! Is this true?
Love from
I. M. Worried
Baxter says:
DEER IM WURRID HAAAAAAAAAAY ah doant no bout no swahn floo baxter doant want to turn into pigg if yoo ar pig doo yoo hav to marry frog and hav blond curly hare NO THANK YOO
lov baxter tort xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear I.M. Worried,
I can assure you, you will not turn into a pig from catching anything, including swine flu. I hope you can sleep easy now.
Kind regards,
Dandelion
I am worried about swine flu. I heard somewhere that if you catch it you turn into a pig! Is this true?
Love from
I. M. Worried
Baxter says:
DEER IM WURRID HAAAAAAAAAAY ah doant no bout no swahn floo baxter doant want to turn into pigg if yoo ar pig doo yoo hav to marry frog and hav blond curly hare NO THANK YOO
lov baxter tort xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear I.M. Worried,
I can assure you, you will not turn into a pig from catching anything, including swine flu. I hope you can sleep easy now.
Kind regards,
Dandelion
Monday, 4 May 2009
What's my name?
Hi Bax & Dandy,
My new mate yoda said you was good to arsk questions to. I am mixed up. This woman called mummy took me away from my mates and made me liv with yoda, the new world is nice and I like to run run run run run round it and dig dig dig under the hills. The problem is, tho I like it, nobody nos who I am! They call me many names and its mixin me up. I don't like the first name thy called me so they are calling me lots of difrnt things to find one that fits. I nevr no when thy are talking to me!
Yoda just calls me 'hey you!' which makes me sad, but I showd him by trying to dig undr him whn he went to bed! Ha!
Mummy sez she likes skoda, but not sure if she is talking bout me or a big mettle monstr that takes yu to places. She also likes stegosaurus (steg 4 short), which is also a big monstr!
Am I a big metle monster that takes yu to places? I would like to be a monstr! I cud scare yoda!
See you latr
Tort with no name (possibly skoda or steg or something else)
Baxter says:
DEER SHERRILL AH HAV GIVEN yoo name it is sherrill like that pritty hooman on telly ah like her AH DOANT NO ar yoo monster? if yoo ar yoo cud go RAAA and yoda wud run away I LIKE YOO SHERRIL LOV BAXTER XXX
Dandelion says:
Hello little tort,
If you are Yoda's new friend then I know you have just been given a new name! It is Thor, what a great name. You should trust your mummy she knows what's best for you. And I can reassure you that you are not a big metal monster.
Love,
Dandy x
My new mate yoda said you was good to arsk questions to. I am mixed up. This woman called mummy took me away from my mates and made me liv with yoda, the new world is nice and I like to run run run run run round it and dig dig dig under the hills. The problem is, tho I like it, nobody nos who I am! They call me many names and its mixin me up. I don't like the first name thy called me so they are calling me lots of difrnt things to find one that fits. I nevr no when thy are talking to me!
Yoda just calls me 'hey you!' which makes me sad, but I showd him by trying to dig undr him whn he went to bed! Ha!
Mummy sez she likes skoda, but not sure if she is talking bout me or a big mettle monstr that takes yu to places. She also likes stegosaurus (steg 4 short), which is also a big monstr!
Am I a big metle monster that takes yu to places? I would like to be a monstr! I cud scare yoda!
See you latr
Tort with no name (possibly skoda or steg or something else)
Baxter says:
DEER SHERRILL AH HAV GIVEN yoo name it is sherrill like that pritty hooman on telly ah like her AH DOANT NO ar yoo monster? if yoo ar yoo cud go RAAA and yoda wud run away I LIKE YOO SHERRIL LOV BAXTER XXX
Dandelion says:
Hello little tort,
If you are Yoda's new friend then I know you have just been given a new name! It is Thor, what a great name. You should trust your mummy she knows what's best for you. And I can reassure you that you are not a big metal monster.
Love,
Dandy x
Poles time
Dear Baxter and Dandy,
I am sooooo very confused, please help me....
If GMT is now and Singapore is 7-8 hours ahead and America several hours behind. What time is it on the North or south poles right on top of the earths axis? Because they are in all the time zones all at once!!! How can you tell the time?
Best Regards
Miss V Confused
Baxter says:
HAY HAY miss confoosd wear is singapoor what is time zoan> doo yoo meen wher ther is pengwins baxter like pengwins PLEES CAN AH HAS A PENGWIN OF MAH VERRY OWN
LOVE THE BAXMAN XXX
Dandelion says:
Dear Miss V Confused,
It would be the same time as it is here. Both the north and south poles officially use Coordinated Universal Time, which is roughly equivalent to GMT.
Kind regards,
Dandelion
I am sooooo very confused, please help me....
If GMT is now and Singapore is 7-8 hours ahead and America several hours behind. What time is it on the North or south poles right on top of the earths axis? Because they are in all the time zones all at once!!! How can you tell the time?
Best Regards
Miss V Confused
Baxter says:
HAY HAY miss confoosd wear is singapoor what is time zoan> doo yoo meen wher ther is pengwins baxter like pengwins PLEES CAN AH HAS A PENGWIN OF MAH VERRY OWN
LOVE THE BAXMAN XXX
Dandelion says:
Dear Miss V Confused,
It would be the same time as it is here. Both the north and south poles officially use Coordinated Universal Time, which is roughly equivalent to GMT.
Kind regards,
Dandelion
Worried about adoption!
Dear Baxter and Dandy,
What's your views on adoption? If your Mummy adopts another child (or tort), does that mean that your Mummy doesn't love you any more and is going to love the new child (or tort) more than you??
Well does it, Baxter, does it! The very thought of it is making me anxious!
Anon
Baxter says:
DEER ANON mah mummy lovs mee mor than anythin how cud she lov anuther tort mor than BAX HOW AH SAID HOW just luk at baxs cute face
lov baxter tort xxx THE BEST TORT
Dandelion says:
Dear Anon.,
All torts are adopted; we are not a very maternal species and it is down to humans to raise us captive bred torts. There are many torts out there who need homes and I think it is brilliant that there are humans out there who want to take care of us. I know that my mummy has recently adopted another tort who hasn't had a very nice life so far, and I'm happy that this tort will now have all the things a tort needs.
Love,
Dandelion
p.s. Don't tell Baxter
Baxter says:
WAAAAATTT???? HOO IS THIS TORT
Baxter says:
DEER ANON mah mummy lovs mee mor than anythin how cud she lov anuther tort mor than BAX HOW AH SAID HOW just luk at baxs cute face
lov baxter tort xxx THE BEST TORT
Dandelion says:
Dear Anon.,
All torts are adopted; we are not a very maternal species and it is down to humans to raise us captive bred torts. There are many torts out there who need homes and I think it is brilliant that there are humans out there who want to take care of us. I know that my mummy has recently adopted another tort who hasn't had a very nice life so far, and I'm happy that this tort will now have all the things a tort needs.
Love,
Dandelion
p.s. Don't tell Baxter
Baxter says:
WAAAAATTT???? HOO IS THIS TORT
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
F1 Confusion
Dear Baxter,
I was listening to the Arsenal v. Middlesbrough football match today and at half time they cut to the Formula 1 coverage. Can you please explain F1? I don't understand it beyond the fact you get points for how you finish in a race. Is it true there are 2 races, one where you find out where you start? Are they the same track? If the whole point is to build the best possible car why are there illegal modifications? How does that work? Do people watch it just for the crashes? I personally cannot understand why people enjoy it but perhaps that is because I do not understand the rules. I do know that there is a lot of skill involved by the drivers.
Thanks!
Love,
An Admirer
Baxter says:
oh admyrer AH THINK YOO LIKE BAXTER DOANT YOO? ah dont no about car racin but ah herd about tort and hair race once. ah like hair, ah eet mah mummys hairs sumtimes NOM NOM NOM then poo them owt
lov BAX YOR FAYVERIT TORT XOXOXOXOX
Dandelion says:
Dear Baxter's admirer,
I didn't understand anything about F1, in fact, I didn't see what the big deal was. Then I thought, if you can't beat them, join them. A few races in, and I was hooked. The basic idea is to score points in order to win the drivers' championship, and for the teams, the constructors' title. On the day before the race, qualifying takes place (on the same track) to determine the starting order of the cars. The best way to learn about F1 is to watch it and pick things up. Just watch and enjoy the racing, you'll soon learn the rules (which, by the way, seem to change all the time!).
Happy viewing,
Dandelion
I was listening to the Arsenal v. Middlesbrough football match today and at half time they cut to the Formula 1 coverage. Can you please explain F1? I don't understand it beyond the fact you get points for how you finish in a race. Is it true there are 2 races, one where you find out where you start? Are they the same track? If the whole point is to build the best possible car why are there illegal modifications? How does that work? Do people watch it just for the crashes? I personally cannot understand why people enjoy it but perhaps that is because I do not understand the rules. I do know that there is a lot of skill involved by the drivers.
Thanks!
Love,
An Admirer
Baxter says:
oh admyrer AH THINK YOO LIKE BAXTER DOANT YOO? ah dont no about car racin but ah herd about tort and hair race once. ah like hair, ah eet mah mummys hairs sumtimes NOM NOM NOM then poo them owt
lov BAX YOR FAYVERIT TORT XOXOXOXOX
Dandelion says:
Dear Baxter's admirer,
I didn't understand anything about F1, in fact, I didn't see what the big deal was. Then I thought, if you can't beat them, join them. A few races in, and I was hooked. The basic idea is to score points in order to win the drivers' championship, and for the teams, the constructors' title. On the day before the race, qualifying takes place (on the same track) to determine the starting order of the cars. The best way to learn about F1 is to watch it and pick things up. Just watch and enjoy the racing, you'll soon learn the rules (which, by the way, seem to change all the time!).
Happy viewing,
Dandelion
Sunday, 26 April 2009
Pesky Humans
Hi Baxter,
I need your help - I have a problem with my human. She blocks any attempt I make at finding my own food, I mean what's a girl rabbit to do? I just love to nibble on tasty morsels of carpet, and tear off delicious strips of wallpaper but she keeps blocking my access to it no matter how hard I try. My absolutely favourite treats are shoelaces and electric cables but I can never quite reach them, it's just not fair!
Love Olive Rabbit
xx
Baxter says:
DEER OLIV oh hay ah like to nom stuff too mah beddin is tastey and mah mummys hair and her fingers NOM NOM NOM jus do what ah do and nom yor own poo WAT IS SHOOLACE IS IT LEEF?
lov baxter xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Olive,
Pesky as our humans are, they do tend to have our best interests at heart. Often the most tasty thing is the most dangerous for us, and the humans are there to stop us from accidentally hurting ourselves. If you get stuck for something to nibble on, do what we torts do and eat a poo.
Why, only today I scoffed one down before lunch.
Love,
Dandelion
I need your help - I have a problem with my human. She blocks any attempt I make at finding my own food, I mean what's a girl rabbit to do? I just love to nibble on tasty morsels of carpet, and tear off delicious strips of wallpaper but she keeps blocking my access to it no matter how hard I try. My absolutely favourite treats are shoelaces and electric cables but I can never quite reach them, it's just not fair!
Love Olive Rabbit
xx
Baxter says:
DEER OLIV oh hay ah like to nom stuff too mah beddin is tastey and mah mummys hair and her fingers NOM NOM NOM jus do what ah do and nom yor own poo WAT IS SHOOLACE IS IT LEEF?
lov baxter xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Olive,
Pesky as our humans are, they do tend to have our best interests at heart. Often the most tasty thing is the most dangerous for us, and the humans are there to stop us from accidentally hurting ourselves. If you get stuck for something to nibble on, do what we torts do and eat a poo.
Why, only today I scoffed one down before lunch.
Love,
Dandelion
A Super Problem
Dear Baxter and Dandelion,
I've had a lot of fun reading your blog of late, and it has occurred to me that I now need some advice of my own.
You see, I note that where I live has a lot of crime and injustice tainting the neighbourhood, so I was thinking of taking up the mantle of an unofficial guardian of sorts, like a superhero.
I think I'd rather enjoy beating up criminals and standing on rooves with a swishy cape under cover of darkness; however, I'm not very tough, so the only real way I could realise my dream and clean up the streets would be to gain some sort of superpower.
Any ideas on how I could get one?
Love and Leefs
Gaz
x
Baxter says:
GAZ OH HAI HAI HAI can baxter bee yor sidekik plees ah wud like to fite crimes with yoo and ware a SWISHY cape and ah cud bee called SUPERTORT. bax is tuff i cud NOM them for yoo
lov SUPERBAX XXX
Dandelion says:
Dear Gaz,
How admirable that you want to defend your neighbourhood. I don't think superpowers come easily, but you could always get yourself a massive gun instead, and stick it down the back of your tights.
Love,
Dandelion
I've had a lot of fun reading your blog of late, and it has occurred to me that I now need some advice of my own.
You see, I note that where I live has a lot of crime and injustice tainting the neighbourhood, so I was thinking of taking up the mantle of an unofficial guardian of sorts, like a superhero.
I think I'd rather enjoy beating up criminals and standing on rooves with a swishy cape under cover of darkness; however, I'm not very tough, so the only real way I could realise my dream and clean up the streets would be to gain some sort of superpower.
Any ideas on how I could get one?
Love and Leefs
Gaz
x
Baxter says:
GAZ OH HAI HAI HAI can baxter bee yor sidekik plees ah wud like to fite crimes with yoo and ware a SWISHY cape and ah cud bee called SUPERTORT. bax is tuff i cud NOM them for yoo
lov SUPERBAX XXX
Dandelion says:
Dear Gaz,
How admirable that you want to defend your neighbourhood. I don't think superpowers come easily, but you could always get yourself a massive gun instead, and stick it down the back of your tights.
Love,
Dandelion
Diggin
Hi Uncy Baxter and Anty Dandy,
I am digging, it is fun. Today I dug to the big flat tall hill that is round my house. I tried to dig though it so I can explore the universe but it wont be dug into even tho I tried for HOURS.
Tell me how to dig the big tall hill thing....
Yoda
Baxter says:
O HAY YODA how ar yoo mah torty frend ah like diggin too and ah hav a big tall hill thing too. jus keep skratchin at it like ah do SKRATCH SKRATCH SKRATCH
lov baxter xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Yoda,
Digging is fun and as a Horsfield it is in your nature to dig. I am sorry but your 'big tall hill' is undiggable; if you dug through it, you'd fall off the edge of the world. There are other fun things to dig though. The other day I dug a burrow under my food slate. It was really deep and my mummy thought I'd escaped, but I was just hiding.
Have fun digging,
Dandelion
I am digging, it is fun. Today I dug to the big flat tall hill that is round my house. I tried to dig though it so I can explore the universe but it wont be dug into even tho I tried for HOURS.
Tell me how to dig the big tall hill thing....
Yoda
Baxter says:
O HAY YODA how ar yoo mah torty frend ah like diggin too and ah hav a big tall hill thing too. jus keep skratchin at it like ah do SKRATCH SKRATCH SKRATCH
lov baxter xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Yoda,
Digging is fun and as a Horsfield it is in your nature to dig. I am sorry but your 'big tall hill' is undiggable; if you dug through it, you'd fall off the edge of the world. There are other fun things to dig though. The other day I dug a burrow under my food slate. It was really deep and my mummy thought I'd escaped, but I was just hiding.
Have fun digging,
Dandelion
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
Home decor
Dear Baxter,
I want to take my home decoration in a new direction but am not confident. Any tips on home decorating and on planning a long term change of style?
Love,
An Admirer
PS Dandelion is kind of mean to you.
Baxter says:
Deer admyrer OH dandylion lovs me reely she is jellus of mah sellebritty. Maybe yoo shud decorate yor home with paintins of BAXTER COS HE IS HANSUM
Love baxter tort xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Baxter's Admirer,
Why not look in magazines or on the internet for inspiration? If you are not confident enough to make use of bright colours, go for neutral tones on the walls and floors and choose striking room accessories, for example an eye-catching rug, a vase etc. That way you are not completely committed to a colour scheme as you can easily swap the accessories. Choose things that you like, and try not to worry about what others think. It's you who has to live there!
Kind regards,
Dandelion
I want to take my home decoration in a new direction but am not confident. Any tips on home decorating and on planning a long term change of style?
Love,
An Admirer
PS Dandelion is kind of mean to you.
Baxter says:
Deer admyrer OH dandylion lovs me reely she is jellus of mah sellebritty. Maybe yoo shud decorate yor home with paintins of BAXTER COS HE IS HANSUM
Love baxter tort xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Baxter's Admirer,
Why not look in magazines or on the internet for inspiration? If you are not confident enough to make use of bright colours, go for neutral tones on the walls and floors and choose striking room accessories, for example an eye-catching rug, a vase etc. That way you are not completely committed to a colour scheme as you can easily swap the accessories. Choose things that you like, and try not to worry about what others think. It's you who has to live there!
Kind regards,
Dandelion
Pesky shells
Hi Baxter and Dandy,
Love your blog, you both sound really great fun.
As a cat I obviously LOVE tortoises, the only problem is their shells, it makes them so difficult to eat after playing a good game of chase and tends to blunt my claws a bit. Have you any helpful advice on removing pesky shells?
Baxter says:
OH NO AH THINK YOO WANT TO EET ME MR CAT mah shell is not for remoovin pls do not hurt me or enny other por little tort
Dandelion says:
Dear Charlie,
Our shells are there to protect us from predators, as a cat you are not strong enough to remove them. You know, we have very little meat on us...
Slightly less than kind regards,
Dandelion
Noises
Dear Uncy Baxter and Anty Dandy,
I think daddy ate a huge live scary bear! When he sleeps it growls at me and Mummy very loudly and is very scary.
I am afraid that it will try to get out and eat me and Mummy.
What should I do?
Yoda
PS love and squiffy kisses Uncy and Anty
Baxter says:
OH HAI YODA, yoo poor tort yoo shud run for yor little life as fast as yor torty legs will go, i also heer monsters in the nite i get scared oh look a leef COME HEER LEEF NOM
lov bax xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Yoda,
Don't worry little tort, these humans sometimes emit snorty noises when they sleep. I know one of my humans does it quite often. There is nothing to be scared of, why not bury yourself down in the soil a bit to block out the noise.
Love Dandelion
I think daddy ate a huge live scary bear! When he sleeps it growls at me and Mummy very loudly and is very scary.
I am afraid that it will try to get out and eat me and Mummy.
What should I do?
Yoda
PS love and squiffy kisses Uncy and Anty
Baxter says:
OH HAI YODA, yoo poor tort yoo shud run for yor little life as fast as yor torty legs will go, i also heer monsters in the nite i get scared oh look a leef COME HEER LEEF NOM
lov bax xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Yoda,
Don't worry little tort, these humans sometimes emit snorty noises when they sleep. I know one of my humans does it quite often. There is nothing to be scared of, why not bury yourself down in the soil a bit to block out the noise.
Love Dandelion
Friday, 17 April 2009
Legalise it!
Dear Baxter and Dandy,
My mummy is feeding me lots of things like Dandelions, which I hear are weeds. Last night the TV said that ‘Doing Weed messes with your head’ and that it is bad for you!
Is Mummy trying to poison me?
Baxter says:
HAI YODA ah like dandylions not just the leevs but the flowers and of corse mah best frend dandylion the tort ah also like clowva and plantayn and sowthissl NOM NOM NOM NOM ah am a hungry tort love baxter xxxx
Dandelion says:
Hello again little tort,
Your mummy is not trying to poison you; I think you are confusing 'weeds' with 'weed', the stuff that the humans like to use to intoxicate themselves with. All the lovely weeds your mummy feeds you will help you grow up to be big and strong. You can trust your mummy.
All the best,
Dandy
Wet Back Issues
Dear Uncle Baxter,
Why is my back all wet?
Perplexed,
G. H.
Baxter says:
HAY GH ar yoo a see-tort that swims?? mah bak gets wet sumtimes wen ah hav a bath ar yoo havin bath? maybe yoo weed on yorself.
lov the baxman xxxx
Dandelion says:
G.H.,
Do you exercise a lot? Are you a swimmer? Have you just had a shower/bath? Is it raining?
It does concern me somewhat that you are asking this. Seek help.
All the best,
Dandelion
Why is my back all wet?
Perplexed,
G. H.
Baxter says:
HAY GH ar yoo a see-tort that swims?? mah bak gets wet sumtimes wen ah hav a bath ar yoo havin bath? maybe yoo weed on yorself.
lov the baxman xxxx
Dandelion says:
G.H.,
Do you exercise a lot? Are you a swimmer? Have you just had a shower/bath? Is it raining?
It does concern me somewhat that you are asking this. Seek help.
All the best,
Dandelion
Water Level Worries
Dear Uncle Baxter,
They say the water levels would rise all over the earth if the ice caps melted. But, if the majority of ice is below sea level, and ice takes up more volume than water, wouldn't the opposite occur?
Hmmm,
Geoff
Baxter says:
HAI GEOF HAAAI! ah wud like to go too the see side but mah mummy wont let mee. maybe all the see-torts that swim will put the ice bak together and save the worl.
love and tort kisses, BAXTER XXX
Dandelion says:
Dear Geoff,
Something like 85% of the world's ice is in the Antarctic, and about 99% of this is grounded rather than floating. I found these two articles interesting:
http://www.johnstonsarchive.net/environment/waterworld.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4228411.stm
I find ice fascinating, but mostly when it's in a cocktail. My mummy teaches me about exciting things like global warming, and martinis.
Love,
Dandelion
They say the water levels would rise all over the earth if the ice caps melted. But, if the majority of ice is below sea level, and ice takes up more volume than water, wouldn't the opposite occur?
Hmmm,
Geoff
Baxter says:
HAI GEOF HAAAI! ah wud like to go too the see side but mah mummy wont let mee. maybe all the see-torts that swim will put the ice bak together and save the worl.
love and tort kisses, BAXTER XXX
Dandelion says:
Dear Geoff,
Something like 85% of the world's ice is in the Antarctic, and about 99% of this is grounded rather than floating. I found these two articles interesting:
http://www.johnstonsarchive.net/environment/waterworld.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4228411.stm
I find ice fascinating, but mostly when it's in a cocktail. My mummy teaches me about exciting things like global warming, and martinis.
Love,
Dandelion
Anxious about the Economy
Dear Baxter,
I'm terribly worried about the Economy. What are your thoughts on Quantative Easing? Is it the solution?
I'm so worried about the economy that I constantly have one eye on the FTSE 100 and the oth......well I constantly have one eye on the FTSE 100.
Please Help!
Gordon
Baxter says:
Deeer gorden,
HAY THER! the last time ah had quantatitiv eesin ah was havin a big poo in mah bath.
lov and torty hugs from baxter xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Gordon,
While quantitative easing could stimulate the economy, there are always risks of an over-increase in inflation. I suspect you know all this already. Ease your stress by having a nice hot bath, and have a lovely glass of wine. Or ten.
All the best,
Dandelion
Baxter says:
Deeer gorden,
HAY THER! the last time ah had quantatitiv eesin ah was havin a big poo in mah bath.
lov and torty hugs from baxter xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Gordon,
While quantitative easing could stimulate the economy, there are always risks of an over-increase in inflation. I suspect you know all this already. Ease your stress by having a nice hot bath, and have a lovely glass of wine. Or ten.
All the best,
Dandelion
Thursday, 16 April 2009
Feeling Sleepy
Hi Baxter and Dandelion,
I have just myself a new mummy and daddy who adopted me last week. I think they are weird, they wont give me that nice lettuce that the shop man gave me and mummy keeps dunking me in water all the time when I just want to sleep.
The other day when Mummy was out and Daddy was watching tv I decided to go and explore the universe (which mummy calls 'The Flat'), but daddy found me in the huge room with the cold floor and the rain making machine.
Can you recommend anywhere to hide or some good camouflage techniques the next time Daddy comes to take me home and I am busy exploring the universe?
Thanks for the help
Yoda
Yoda Hilton-Breakey
The Drawer Table
The living Room
The Flat (also known as the Universe)
Baxter says:
oh HAY yoda! i yused to think mah mummy was harbl she made mee hav baths and fed me weeds I yused to hiss at her BUT NOW AH LOV HER. mah baths ar nice.
yoo pesky tort hidin in the rain room, hee hee i think i like yoo.
lov baxterr tort xox
Dandelion says:
Hello Yoda,
Sounds like you're a lucky tort to have found a new mummy and daddy! The baths aren't nice at first but they make sure you have enough fluids to stay a strong strapping young tort. And sometimes, shop men can feed us lettuce without realising it's not the best food for us. It's like torty junk food. Trust your mummy and daddy they know what's best for you!
As for hiding, sometimes I bury myself so deep in soil my mummy thinks I have escaped, but then she can just see a little bit of yellow shell poking out! As a Horsfield you'll soon discover your nature to dig :)
Love,
Dandelion
I have just myself a new mummy and daddy who adopted me last week. I think they are weird, they wont give me that nice lettuce that the shop man gave me and mummy keeps dunking me in water all the time when I just want to sleep.
The other day when Mummy was out and Daddy was watching tv I decided to go and explore the universe (which mummy calls 'The Flat'), but daddy found me in the huge room with the cold floor and the rain making machine.
Can you recommend anywhere to hide or some good camouflage techniques the next time Daddy comes to take me home and I am busy exploring the universe?
Thanks for the help
Yoda
Yoda Hilton-Breakey
The Drawer Table
The living Room
The Flat (also known as the Universe)
Baxter says:
oh HAY yoda! i yused to think mah mummy was harbl she made mee hav baths and fed me weeds I yused to hiss at her BUT NOW AH LOV HER. mah baths ar nice.
yoo pesky tort hidin in the rain room, hee hee i think i like yoo.
lov baxterr tort xox
Dandelion says:
Hello Yoda,
Sounds like you're a lucky tort to have found a new mummy and daddy! The baths aren't nice at first but they make sure you have enough fluids to stay a strong strapping young tort. And sometimes, shop men can feed us lettuce without realising it's not the best food for us. It's like torty junk food. Trust your mummy and daddy they know what's best for you!
As for hiding, sometimes I bury myself so deep in soil my mummy thinks I have escaped, but then she can just see a little bit of yellow shell poking out! As a Horsfield you'll soon discover your nature to dig :)
Love,
Dandelion
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
Summer's Coming!
Dear Baxter,
What's your advice on the best way to maintain your testudinal figure?
Charles
Baxter says:
HAY CHARLES well i burn calorys by nomming extra hard on mah leevs NOM NOM NOM also i like to run up to mah mummy and say HAI
love bax xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Charles,
To stay in tip-top shape I do circuits of my enclosure. There are rocks and pieces of bark and all sorts of things for me to scramble up and work out my torty abs. Also it helps that Baxter eats all my food.
Kind regards,
Dandelion
What's your advice on the best way to maintain your testudinal figure?
Charles
Baxter says:
HAY CHARLES well i burn calorys by nomming extra hard on mah leevs NOM NOM NOM also i like to run up to mah mummy and say HAI
love bax xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Charles,
To stay in tip-top shape I do circuits of my enclosure. There are rocks and pieces of bark and all sorts of things for me to scramble up and work out my torty abs. Also it helps that Baxter eats all my food.
Kind regards,
Dandelion
Advice
Dear Baxter,
How do you feel about Barack Obama? I hope you are a fan!
Love,
An Admirer
Baxter says:
OH HEY ADMIRER i am so glad yoo admire me i am verry hansum arnt i. i think barak has a nice face he is hansum too but not as hansum as me.
lov and smooches xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear 'Admirer',
We are both fans of Obama, I in particular felt quite emotional during the inauguration, and feel that this is a fresh, hopeful new start in the US.
Kind regards,
Dandelion
p.s. Baxter is overrated
How do you feel about Barack Obama? I hope you are a fan!
Love,
An Admirer
Baxter says:
OH HEY ADMIRER i am so glad yoo admire me i am verry hansum arnt i. i think barak has a nice face he is hansum too but not as hansum as me.
lov and smooches xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear 'Admirer',
We are both fans of Obama, I in particular felt quite emotional during the inauguration, and feel that this is a fresh, hopeful new start in the US.
Kind regards,
Dandelion
p.s. Baxter is overrated
A Sensitive Problem
Dear Baxter,
I really am in need of your torty wisdom! You see, I have this problem with my friend, she is quite often prone to the occasional "blonde" moment.......but now I fear she has gone totally off the deep end!
Should I tell her that I think she is a barking raving lunatic and attempt to have her sectioned under the mental health act? Or should I just accept her crazy eccentricities...........after all they may be reason why we all love her so much!
Please, please help oh wise one!
Heather x
Baxter says:
OH HAI Hether,
Yes yoo ar rite i am verry wise thank yoo. I like yoo. It is wensday tooday. I like flowers.
torty kisses from baxter xxxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Heather,
It is often the case that people we see as 'eccentric' are really just misunderstood geniuses; I think this may be the case with your friend. Instead of sectioning her, why not encourage her...after all, you could be dealing with a true mastermind of our generation.
Kind regards,
Dandelion
I really am in need of your torty wisdom! You see, I have this problem with my friend, she is quite often prone to the occasional "blonde" moment.......but now I fear she has gone totally off the deep end!
Should I tell her that I think she is a barking raving lunatic and attempt to have her sectioned under the mental health act? Or should I just accept her crazy eccentricities...........after all they may be reason why we all love her so much!
Please, please help oh wise one!
Heather x
Baxter says:
OH HAI Hether,
Yes yoo ar rite i am verry wise thank yoo. I like yoo. It is wensday tooday. I like flowers.
torty kisses from baxter xxxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Heather,
It is often the case that people we see as 'eccentric' are really just misunderstood geniuses; I think this may be the case with your friend. Instead of sectioning her, why not encourage her...after all, you could be dealing with a true mastermind of our generation.
Kind regards,
Dandelion
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