Strange human behaviour

Hi unci bax and anti dandi,

I wunts to nowe y mummy and dadi acted all werd a few nites ago. First thy brort rownd lots of giants, then a crazy lady kept starin at me and yoda and makin funy noises, like awwwwwwwwwww. Thn they al got werd and stayd up all nite. I cud not sleep, so I dug and dug and dug and dug

Yours tirdly

thor

Baxter says:

DEER THOR oh hai hai HAI nice to heer from yoo tort AH NO RITE wot is it with al theez gyants everywher ah meen wot speesheez of tort ar they they do not hav shells AN THEY AR ALL HAIRY bax is scayrd jus thinkin of it

RUN LITL TORT RUN

lov baxman tort xxx

Dandelion says:

Dear Thor,
Oh dear, pissed again was she?
Love and sympathy,
Dandy xx

Anger issues

Baxter,
I hope you can help. I suffer anger issues, and sometimes relieve the tension and unwind by pushing Wrigley's Chewing Gum sticks into the inflamed anuses of sad Russian clowns. Recently i have found that this is no longer the quelling and calming activity it once was, and as such i need a new way to vent that rage. Can you help?

Yours hoepfully,

Taz xxx

Baxter says:
DEER TAZ baxter is rooshen not a clown but ah am rooshen tort pls do not hurt mah poo hole.
if yoo ar angree yoo shud do wot bax dus and tare up pikshurs of sherril cols husbend with mah claws SHE IS PRITTY AH HAYT HIM
lov the baxman xxx

Dandelion says:
Dear Taz,
Sorry to hear your trusted form of release is no longer working for you. Why not channel your energy into a sport, or music? Or if all else fails, drown it in gin and vermouth, like I do.
Best wishes,
Dandy

Tortoise droppings

Hi Baxter,
When the God Om came to the Discworld, he spokes his commandments. Due
to the time he spent as a tortoise, one of them involves commanding his
worshipers to pick up tortoises and carry them wherever they bloody well
please. Unless, and this is important, you are an eagle (As it turns out
these are the only birds that have figured out how to eat tortoises by
lifting them high in the sky and then dropping them).
Have you ever had eagle trouble?
Mr Sam "Of the Muppets" Eagle

Baxter says:
Deer SAM OH HAI wot is an eegl ah think it has a beek but its beek is not as nise as baxters
HANG ON AR YOO AN EEGL AR YOO BAAWLD HEE HEE HEE HEE HEEE HEEEE
lov the baxman xxx

Dandelion says:
Dear Sam,
Nope, no eagle trouble here. The odd squirrel and magpie, but a good layer of mesh between us and them.
Dandelion
p.s. don't eat us we're poisonous

Tasty tort

Helo unci bax,

Do ewe taste nice? Eye em hungry

Thor

Baxter says:

deer thor, ah wons likked mahself an ah taystid laik sellery and poo

lov baxxy tort xxx

Bright light

Dear Uncy Bax and Anti Dandy
I wuz luking out the windo larst nite and saww a horid silvr ting in the air, it wuz lukin at me! I tink it will eat me!
How can I not get ett?
Your mate
Thor

Baxter says:
DEER THOR hide littl tort HIDE or run run awai O BAX IS SCARD NOW AH AM TREMBLIN IN MAH SHEL
LOV SCARD TREMBLIN BAX XXX

Dandelion says:
Dear Thor,
Don't worry, it's just the moon. You probably don't understand what that is, but just know that it can't and won't hurt you.
Sleep easy,
Dandelion

Political disagreement

Dear Baxter,
I have a long standing acquaintance with whom I disagree on pretty much all political issues. In theory I'm fine with this and elect not to talk politics with her (neither of us will ever convince the other and it's just easier to agree to disagree and leave it at that, especially where such emotional issues are concerned) but she does not extend the same courtesey and continuously expresses her deep displeasure with a political candidate I support. Enough is enough and I'm sick of reading and hearing about her (only partially informed, contextless) rants and complaints but am not sure how to approach the subject. Politics and religion should never be discussed in public in my opinion.
Any suggestions as how I can ask how to be excluded from her comments?
Love,
An Admirer

Baxter says:

DEEAR ADMYRA, ah do not understan anythin yoo sed but ah can only presyoom it is a LOV LETTA TO BAXTER

WELL AH AM FLATERD YES FLATERD NOT FLATEND LIKE THE PANCAYK TORT

lov not flat bax xxx

Dandelion says:

Dear Baxter's admirer,

It's a tough one. You name this person as an acquaintance rather than a good friend, which tempts me to suggest that you should make your feelings explicit. Tell her calmly but firmly, and only once. If she is someone who cares about you at all she will back off. It is possible she is not aware of how much her comments are bothering you.

Good luck,

Dandelion

Torty grammar fail

Dear Baxter,
I was wondering if it might be appropriate to send you on a
punctuation course when I suddenly realised that your grammar and
punctuation are most likely impeccable, and that the problem is with the
way you have to stand on the keys to type! I imagine that this causes
your responses to be delayed, whilst you furiously walk back and forth
to the Backspace key. Have you ever tried training a voice recognition
program to recognise Tortese (or is it Tortish?)?
Your friend,
Mysterious Mr. M

Baxter says:
DEER MISTEERIUS MISTER M WOT IS GRAMMER IS IT THAT NICE SMILEE MAN ON TEEVEE CALLD FRAYZER AH LIKE HIM AN HIS FUNNEH FASE baxter dusnt understand
lov BAXMAN BAX xxx

Dandelion says:
Dear Mysterious Mr. M,
It's true, typing correctly when you're a tort is a tricky business. Unfortunately, we torts are silent apart from the occasional hiss and quacking noise, which are essentially meaningless, non-linguistic sounds.
Therefore sadly we must spend many an hour tapping the keyboard with our little claws, endeavouring to produce a grammatically correct response. Some try harder than others.
All the best,
Dandelion

Torty powers of prediction

Dear Baxter,
I've heard that torts can sense when rain is coming and stuff like that so was wondering if you could maybe have a go at sensing the lottery numbers for this Wednesday for me.
Regards,
Alan :O)
PS, I will pop a tub of Nutrobal in the post if the jackpot comes up

Baxter says:
DEER ALAN HAI nootroball is that wot makes me BIG AN STRONG okay the numbers wil bee
ZEERO, TWELFTYONE, SIXTEE, TOO FAT LAYDIS EYTEE EYT, ZED, MAYNUS FOR, TOO AN A HARF.
GUD LUK ALAN AH HOPE YOO WIN
lov the baxman xxx

Dandelion says:
Hi Alan,
My prediction is; 2, 10, 26, 27, 34, 37
I hope you win, I am drooling at the thought of that lovely white powder.
Good luck,
Dandelion

Lost and alone

Helo Bax and Dandi,
I am all by myself. Boring yoda was here but now is gone and my hous is gotten smaller. I had lots of space to run run run run run but now I just hav a small space and can only run run.
I want my space back and want to see boring yoda cos he tasts nice.
Wats hapning?
Your mate
Thor

Baxter says:

HALLLO THOR ah herd a rumer that yoo are seperaytid becos yoo wer a NORTY TORT and BIT POR YODA plees doant bite baxter ahm scared now

lov scard bax xxx

Dandelion says:

Hello Thor,

As a Horsfield it can be in our nature to be aggressive and bite other torts. It might seem fun at the time, but your human will inevitably separate you. Sounds like this has happened to you. Why not prove to your human you can be well behaved? Then you'll be back in your big enclosure in no time. Good luck!

Dandelion

Microchipping thoughts for torts

Dear Baxter and Dandy,
I am a torty dad of one happy Hermanns aged 8. I am thinking of have him microchipped incase he is lost or stolen. I am concerned that this procedure my be invasive for him and cause issues in the future.
Your thoughts please.
Kindest regards
Rodney

Baxter says:

DEER RODNY ah wonted too eet microchipps but mah mummy sez they are not for torts only hoomans PLEES CAN YOO GET ME SUM

lov BAXTER TORT XX

Dandelion says:

Dear Rodney,

Thanks for your email. I'm by no means an expert on this, but at 8 years old I suspect your tort is big enough to be safely microchipped if you wish to do so. Is he larger than 10cm? I have read that this is the minimum recommended size, preferably bigger. There is no actual legal requirement to have your Hermanns chipped unless you want to breed or sell him, although as you say, some choose to chip their torts in case of loss or theft.

If in doubt you could always have a chat with your tort vet.

All the best to you and your tort,

Dandelion

Woof woof

Dear Baxter,
Woof woof woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof? Woof woof.
Love,
Enzo

Baxter says:

DEER ENZO wot is wooof DUZ IT MEEN YOO LOV BAXTER AH THINK IT DUZ YOO CHEEKI THING

lov baxter xxx

Dandelion says:

Dear Enzo,

Sorry it's taken so long to reply, I've been brushing up on my Dog:

Woof woof woof woof woof. Woof? Woof, woof woof woof. Woof woof!

Love,

Dandy

The way to a tort's heart

Dear Baxter,
I want to dig up my front garden because it is mostly weeds and this weird kind of moss. Would you and your shelled friends like to come over and eat it all?
Love,
An Admirer

Baxter says:
OH HAY admyra WOTS THAT YOO SAY food for torts WOT IS MOSS IS IT NOM ah think ah lov yoo baxters hart is in mah belleh WHER IS YOR TORT TABL AH WILL COM ROWND
lov baxter hungri tort xxx

Dandelion says:
Dear Admirer,
Thank you, that's very kind. I don't think torts can eat moss but there are plenty of weeds we can eat. My favourite is sow thistle and chickweed, yum yum.
Love Dandelion

Unwelcome visitor

Dear Baxter,
I have an evil visitor called Murgatroyd and don't know how to get rid of it. Everytime I move my arm THERE HE IS.
Love,
An Admirer

Baxter says:
HAY THER ADMYRA ah am frytenned wat is this monster yoo hav will it com for baxter plees help ahm scard MAYBEE YOO SHUD CALL THE PLEESS OR YOR MUMMY THATS WOT IDE DOO
lov scard baxter xxxx

Dandelion says:
Dear Baxter's Admirer,
A little birdie has told me that your unwelcome visitor is a burn on your arm. To help treat burns, you could try fresh aloe vera, or some burn cream from the chemist. Keep it clean and if it needs protection, wrap your arm in a loose bandage.
Love,
Dandelion

Upsetting news

Dear Baxter,

I JUST HEARD SOME VERY UPSETTING NEWS ABOUT SOMEONE I ADMIRE VERY MUCH AND DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS POTENTIALLY LIFE ALTERING CHANGE.

WHAT DO I DO?

LOVE,
AN ADMIRER
PS I HEARD A CHANGE ABOUT SOMEONE I ADMIRE LESS ALSO AND THAT IS WAY LESS STRESSFUL
PPS IT'S A TORT

Baxter says:
OH HAY ADMYRER YOO JUST CARNT stay away can yoo ah did not understand wot yoo meen but dandy told mee yoo ar upset that baxter is too yung to no if hee is boy or girl tort and that if he is girl he will be calld JOOLY BAXTER well doant yoo wurry mah lovly baxter is MAN THROO AN THROO ah am jus shor of it ah meen can yoo imajin bax layin EGGS WELL CAN YOO
lov BAXTER BOY TORT XXX

Bratty tort

Hi Uncy Bax and Aunty Dandy,
Mummy and Daddy brought a new tort to my house last week. He is a brat. He is called Thor and he just wont let me sleep because he is always running around, waking me up and he steals my food!
Do you have any recommendations for getting rid of pesky bratty torts for good? I tried burying him alive but mummy found him.
Thanking you in advance
Yoda

Baxter says:
OH HAY YODA ITS YOO AGEN if tort is meen yoo shud steel his food or tell yor mummy that he is eevil tort ah like yoo yoo no baxter is on yor side leetle tort
LOV YOR FAVERIT TORT THE BAXMAN XXXX

Dandelion says:
Dear Yoda,
Perhaps Thor is overexcited at being in his new home. Maybe you should try and be friends with this tort. And if he carries on the way he is, tell your mummy who will make things better.
Love,
Dandy

Swine flu

Dear Baxter,
I am worried about swine flu. I heard somewhere that if you catch it you turn into a pig! Is this true?
Love from
I. M. Worried

Baxter says:
DEER IM WURRID HAAAAAAAAAAY ah doant no bout no swahn floo baxter doant want to turn into pigg if yoo ar pig doo yoo hav to marry frog and hav blond curly hare NO THANK YOO
lov baxter tort xxx

Dandelion says:
Dear I.M. Worried,
I can assure you, you will not turn into a pig from catching anything, including swine flu. I hope you can sleep easy now.
Kind regards,
Dandelion

What's my name?

Hi Bax & Dandy,
My new mate yoda said you was good to arsk questions to. I am mixed up. This woman called mummy took me away from my mates and made me liv with yoda, the new world is nice and I like to run run run run run round it and dig dig dig under the hills. The problem is, tho I like it, nobody nos who I am! They call me many names and its mixin me up. I don't like the first name thy called me so they are calling me lots of difrnt things to find one that fits. I nevr no when thy are talking to me!
Yoda just calls me 'hey you!' which makes me sad, but I showd him by trying to dig undr him whn he went to bed! Ha!
Mummy sez she likes skoda, but not sure if she is talking bout me or a big mettle monstr that takes yu to places. She also likes stegosaurus (steg 4 short), which is also a big monstr!
Am I a big metle monster that takes yu to places? I would like to be a monstr! I cud scare yoda!
See you latr
Tort with no name (possibly skoda or steg or something else)

Baxter says:
DEER SHERRILL AH HAV GIVEN yoo name it is sherrill like that pritty hooman on telly ah like her AH DOANT NO ar yoo monster? if yoo ar yoo cud go RAAA and yoda wud run away I LIKE YOO SHERRIL LOV BAXTER XXX

Dandelion says:
Hello little tort,
If you are Yoda's new friend then I know you have just been given a new name! It is Thor, what a great name. You should trust your mummy she knows what's best for you. And I can reassure you that you are not a big metal monster.
Love,
Dandy x

Poles time

Dear Baxter and Dandy,
I am sooooo very confused, please help me....
If GMT is now and Singapore is 7-8 hours ahead and America several hours behind. What time is it on the North or south poles right on top of the earths axis? Because they are in all the time zones all at once!!! How can you tell the time?
Best Regards
Miss V Confused

Baxter says:
HAY HAY miss confoosd wear is singapoor what is time zoan> doo yoo meen wher ther is pengwins baxter like pengwins PLEES CAN AH HAS A PENGWIN OF MAH VERRY OWN
LOVE THE BAXMAN XXX

Dandelion says:
Dear Miss V Confused,
It would be the same time as it is here. Both the north and south poles officially use Coordinated Universal Time, which is roughly equivalent to GMT.
Kind regards,
Dandelion

Worried about adoption!

Dear Baxter and Dandy,

What's your views on adoption? If your Mummy adopts another child (or tort), does that mean that your Mummy doesn't love you any more and is going to love the new child (or tort) more than you??

Well does it, Baxter, does it! The very thought of it is making me anxious!

Anon

Baxter says:
DEER ANON mah mummy lovs mee mor than anythin how cud she lov anuther tort mor than BAX HOW AH SAID HOW just luk at baxs cute face
lov baxter tort xxx THE BEST TORT

Dandelion says:
Dear Anon.,
All torts are adopted; we are not a very maternal species and it is down to humans to raise us captive bred torts. There are many torts out there who need homes and I think it is brilliant that there are humans out there who want to take care of us. I know that my mummy has recently adopted another tort who hasn't had a very nice life so far, and I'm happy that this tort will now have all the things a tort needs.
Love,
Dandelion
p.s. Don't tell Baxter

Baxter says:
WAAAAATTT???? HOO IS THIS TORT

F1 Confusion

Dear Baxter,
I was listening to the Arsenal v. Middlesbrough football match today and at half time they cut to the Formula 1 coverage. Can you please explain F1? I don't understand it beyond the fact you get points for how you finish in a race. Is it true there are 2 races, one where you find out where you start? Are they the same track? If the whole point is to build the best possible car why are there illegal modifications? How does that work? Do people watch it just for the crashes? I personally cannot understand why people enjoy it but perhaps that is because I do not understand the rules. I do know that there is a lot of skill involved by the drivers.
Thanks!
Love,
An Admirer

Baxter says:
oh admyrer AH THINK YOO LIKE BAXTER DOANT YOO? ah dont no about car racin but ah herd about tort and hair race once. ah like hair, ah eet mah mummys hairs sumtimes NOM NOM NOM then poo them owt
lov BAX YOR FAYVERIT TORT XOXOXOXOX

Dandelion says:
Dear Baxter's admirer,
I didn't understand anything about F1, in fact, I didn't see what the big deal was. Then I thought, if you can't beat them, join them. A few races in, and I was hooked. The basic idea is to score points in order to win the drivers' championship, and for the teams, the constructors' title. On the day before the race, qualifying takes place (on the same track) to determine the starting order of the cars. The best way to learn about F1 is to watch it and pick things up. Just watch and enjoy the racing, you'll soon learn the rules (which, by the way, seem to change all the time!).
Happy viewing,
Dandelion