Dear Baxter,
I was listening to the Arsenal v. Middlesbrough football match today and at half time they cut to the Formula 1 coverage. Can you please explain F1? I don't understand it beyond the fact you get points for how you finish in a race. Is it true there are 2 races, one where you find out where you start? Are they the same track? If the whole point is to build the best possible car why are there illegal modifications? How does that work? Do people watch it just for the crashes? I personally cannot understand why people enjoy it but perhaps that is because I do not understand the rules. I do know that there is a lot of skill involved by the drivers.
Thanks!
Love,
An Admirer
Baxter says:
oh admyrer AH THINK YOO LIKE BAXTER DOANT YOO? ah dont no about car racin but ah herd about tort and hair race once. ah like hair, ah eet mah mummys hairs sumtimes NOM NOM NOM then poo them owt
lov BAX YOR FAYVERIT TORT XOXOXOXOX
Dandelion says:
Dear Baxter's admirer,
I didn't understand anything about F1, in fact, I didn't see what the big deal was. Then I thought, if you can't beat them, join them. A few races in, and I was hooked. The basic idea is to score points in order to win the drivers' championship, and for the teams, the constructors' title. On the day before the race, qualifying takes place (on the same track) to determine the starting order of the cars. The best way to learn about F1 is to watch it and pick things up. Just watch and enjoy the racing, you'll soon learn the rules (which, by the way, seem to change all the time!).
Happy viewing,
Dandelion
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Sunday, 26 April 2009
Pesky Humans
Hi Baxter,
I need your help - I have a problem with my human. She blocks any attempt I make at finding my own food, I mean what's a girl rabbit to do? I just love to nibble on tasty morsels of carpet, and tear off delicious strips of wallpaper but she keeps blocking my access to it no matter how hard I try. My absolutely favourite treats are shoelaces and electric cables but I can never quite reach them, it's just not fair!
Love Olive Rabbit
xx
Baxter says:
DEER OLIV oh hay ah like to nom stuff too mah beddin is tastey and mah mummys hair and her fingers NOM NOM NOM jus do what ah do and nom yor own poo WAT IS SHOOLACE IS IT LEEF?
lov baxter xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Olive,
Pesky as our humans are, they do tend to have our best interests at heart. Often the most tasty thing is the most dangerous for us, and the humans are there to stop us from accidentally hurting ourselves. If you get stuck for something to nibble on, do what we torts do and eat a poo.
Why, only today I scoffed one down before lunch.
Love,
Dandelion
I need your help - I have a problem with my human. She blocks any attempt I make at finding my own food, I mean what's a girl rabbit to do? I just love to nibble on tasty morsels of carpet, and tear off delicious strips of wallpaper but she keeps blocking my access to it no matter how hard I try. My absolutely favourite treats are shoelaces and electric cables but I can never quite reach them, it's just not fair!
Love Olive Rabbit
xx
Baxter says:
DEER OLIV oh hay ah like to nom stuff too mah beddin is tastey and mah mummys hair and her fingers NOM NOM NOM jus do what ah do and nom yor own poo WAT IS SHOOLACE IS IT LEEF?
lov baxter xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Olive,
Pesky as our humans are, they do tend to have our best interests at heart. Often the most tasty thing is the most dangerous for us, and the humans are there to stop us from accidentally hurting ourselves. If you get stuck for something to nibble on, do what we torts do and eat a poo.
Why, only today I scoffed one down before lunch.
Love,
Dandelion
A Super Problem
Dear Baxter and Dandelion,
I've had a lot of fun reading your blog of late, and it has occurred to me that I now need some advice of my own.
You see, I note that where I live has a lot of crime and injustice tainting the neighbourhood, so I was thinking of taking up the mantle of an unofficial guardian of sorts, like a superhero.
I think I'd rather enjoy beating up criminals and standing on rooves with a swishy cape under cover of darkness; however, I'm not very tough, so the only real way I could realise my dream and clean up the streets would be to gain some sort of superpower.
Any ideas on how I could get one?
Love and Leefs
Gaz
x
Baxter says:
GAZ OH HAI HAI HAI can baxter bee yor sidekik plees ah wud like to fite crimes with yoo and ware a SWISHY cape and ah cud bee called SUPERTORT. bax is tuff i cud NOM them for yoo
lov SUPERBAX XXX
Dandelion says:
Dear Gaz,
How admirable that you want to defend your neighbourhood. I don't think superpowers come easily, but you could always get yourself a massive gun instead, and stick it down the back of your tights.
Love,
Dandelion
I've had a lot of fun reading your blog of late, and it has occurred to me that I now need some advice of my own.
You see, I note that where I live has a lot of crime and injustice tainting the neighbourhood, so I was thinking of taking up the mantle of an unofficial guardian of sorts, like a superhero.
I think I'd rather enjoy beating up criminals and standing on rooves with a swishy cape under cover of darkness; however, I'm not very tough, so the only real way I could realise my dream and clean up the streets would be to gain some sort of superpower.
Any ideas on how I could get one?
Love and Leefs
Gaz
x
Baxter says:
GAZ OH HAI HAI HAI can baxter bee yor sidekik plees ah wud like to fite crimes with yoo and ware a SWISHY cape and ah cud bee called SUPERTORT. bax is tuff i cud NOM them for yoo
lov SUPERBAX XXX
Dandelion says:
Dear Gaz,
How admirable that you want to defend your neighbourhood. I don't think superpowers come easily, but you could always get yourself a massive gun instead, and stick it down the back of your tights.
Love,
Dandelion
Diggin
Hi Uncy Baxter and Anty Dandy,
I am digging, it is fun. Today I dug to the big flat tall hill that is round my house. I tried to dig though it so I can explore the universe but it wont be dug into even tho I tried for HOURS.
Tell me how to dig the big tall hill thing....
Yoda
Baxter says:
O HAY YODA how ar yoo mah torty frend ah like diggin too and ah hav a big tall hill thing too. jus keep skratchin at it like ah do SKRATCH SKRATCH SKRATCH
lov baxter xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Yoda,
Digging is fun and as a Horsfield it is in your nature to dig. I am sorry but your 'big tall hill' is undiggable; if you dug through it, you'd fall off the edge of the world. There are other fun things to dig though. The other day I dug a burrow under my food slate. It was really deep and my mummy thought I'd escaped, but I was just hiding.
Have fun digging,
Dandelion
I am digging, it is fun. Today I dug to the big flat tall hill that is round my house. I tried to dig though it so I can explore the universe but it wont be dug into even tho I tried for HOURS.
Tell me how to dig the big tall hill thing....
Yoda
Baxter says:
O HAY YODA how ar yoo mah torty frend ah like diggin too and ah hav a big tall hill thing too. jus keep skratchin at it like ah do SKRATCH SKRATCH SKRATCH
lov baxter xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Yoda,
Digging is fun and as a Horsfield it is in your nature to dig. I am sorry but your 'big tall hill' is undiggable; if you dug through it, you'd fall off the edge of the world. There are other fun things to dig though. The other day I dug a burrow under my food slate. It was really deep and my mummy thought I'd escaped, but I was just hiding.
Have fun digging,
Dandelion
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
Home decor
Dear Baxter,
I want to take my home decoration in a new direction but am not confident. Any tips on home decorating and on planning a long term change of style?
Love,
An Admirer
PS Dandelion is kind of mean to you.
Baxter says:
Deer admyrer OH dandylion lovs me reely she is jellus of mah sellebritty. Maybe yoo shud decorate yor home with paintins of BAXTER COS HE IS HANSUM
Love baxter tort xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Baxter's Admirer,
Why not look in magazines or on the internet for inspiration? If you are not confident enough to make use of bright colours, go for neutral tones on the walls and floors and choose striking room accessories, for example an eye-catching rug, a vase etc. That way you are not completely committed to a colour scheme as you can easily swap the accessories. Choose things that you like, and try not to worry about what others think. It's you who has to live there!
Kind regards,
Dandelion
I want to take my home decoration in a new direction but am not confident. Any tips on home decorating and on planning a long term change of style?
Love,
An Admirer
PS Dandelion is kind of mean to you.
Baxter says:
Deer admyrer OH dandylion lovs me reely she is jellus of mah sellebritty. Maybe yoo shud decorate yor home with paintins of BAXTER COS HE IS HANSUM
Love baxter tort xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Baxter's Admirer,
Why not look in magazines or on the internet for inspiration? If you are not confident enough to make use of bright colours, go for neutral tones on the walls and floors and choose striking room accessories, for example an eye-catching rug, a vase etc. That way you are not completely committed to a colour scheme as you can easily swap the accessories. Choose things that you like, and try not to worry about what others think. It's you who has to live there!
Kind regards,
Dandelion
Pesky shells
Hi Baxter and Dandy,
Love your blog, you both sound really great fun.
As a cat I obviously LOVE tortoises, the only problem is their shells, it makes them so difficult to eat after playing a good game of chase and tends to blunt my claws a bit. Have you any helpful advice on removing pesky shells?
Baxter says:
OH NO AH THINK YOO WANT TO EET ME MR CAT mah shell is not for remoovin pls do not hurt me or enny other por little tort
Dandelion says:
Dear Charlie,
Our shells are there to protect us from predators, as a cat you are not strong enough to remove them. You know, we have very little meat on us...
Slightly less than kind regards,
Dandelion
Noises
Dear Uncy Baxter and Anty Dandy,
I think daddy ate a huge live scary bear! When he sleeps it growls at me and Mummy very loudly and is very scary.
I am afraid that it will try to get out and eat me and Mummy.
What should I do?
Yoda
PS love and squiffy kisses Uncy and Anty
Baxter says:
OH HAI YODA, yoo poor tort yoo shud run for yor little life as fast as yor torty legs will go, i also heer monsters in the nite i get scared oh look a leef COME HEER LEEF NOM
lov bax xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Yoda,
Don't worry little tort, these humans sometimes emit snorty noises when they sleep. I know one of my humans does it quite often. There is nothing to be scared of, why not bury yourself down in the soil a bit to block out the noise.
Love Dandelion
I think daddy ate a huge live scary bear! When he sleeps it growls at me and Mummy very loudly and is very scary.
I am afraid that it will try to get out and eat me and Mummy.
What should I do?
Yoda
PS love and squiffy kisses Uncy and Anty
Baxter says:
OH HAI YODA, yoo poor tort yoo shud run for yor little life as fast as yor torty legs will go, i also heer monsters in the nite i get scared oh look a leef COME HEER LEEF NOM
lov bax xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Yoda,
Don't worry little tort, these humans sometimes emit snorty noises when they sleep. I know one of my humans does it quite often. There is nothing to be scared of, why not bury yourself down in the soil a bit to block out the noise.
Love Dandelion
Friday, 17 April 2009
Legalise it!
Dear Baxter and Dandy,
My mummy is feeding me lots of things like Dandelions, which I hear are weeds. Last night the TV said that ‘Doing Weed messes with your head’ and that it is bad for you!
Is Mummy trying to poison me?
Baxter says:
HAI YODA ah like dandylions not just the leevs but the flowers and of corse mah best frend dandylion the tort ah also like clowva and plantayn and sowthissl NOM NOM NOM NOM ah am a hungry tort love baxter xxxx
Dandelion says:
Hello again little tort,
Your mummy is not trying to poison you; I think you are confusing 'weeds' with 'weed', the stuff that the humans like to use to intoxicate themselves with. All the lovely weeds your mummy feeds you will help you grow up to be big and strong. You can trust your mummy.
All the best,
Dandy
Wet Back Issues
Dear Uncle Baxter,
Why is my back all wet?
Perplexed,
G. H.
Baxter says:
HAY GH ar yoo a see-tort that swims?? mah bak gets wet sumtimes wen ah hav a bath ar yoo havin bath? maybe yoo weed on yorself.
lov the baxman xxxx
Dandelion says:
G.H.,
Do you exercise a lot? Are you a swimmer? Have you just had a shower/bath? Is it raining?
It does concern me somewhat that you are asking this. Seek help.
All the best,
Dandelion
Why is my back all wet?
Perplexed,
G. H.
Baxter says:
HAY GH ar yoo a see-tort that swims?? mah bak gets wet sumtimes wen ah hav a bath ar yoo havin bath? maybe yoo weed on yorself.
lov the baxman xxxx
Dandelion says:
G.H.,
Do you exercise a lot? Are you a swimmer? Have you just had a shower/bath? Is it raining?
It does concern me somewhat that you are asking this. Seek help.
All the best,
Dandelion
Water Level Worries
Dear Uncle Baxter,
They say the water levels would rise all over the earth if the ice caps melted. But, if the majority of ice is below sea level, and ice takes up more volume than water, wouldn't the opposite occur?
Hmmm,
Geoff
Baxter says:
HAI GEOF HAAAI! ah wud like to go too the see side but mah mummy wont let mee. maybe all the see-torts that swim will put the ice bak together and save the worl.
love and tort kisses, BAXTER XXX
Dandelion says:
Dear Geoff,
Something like 85% of the world's ice is in the Antarctic, and about 99% of this is grounded rather than floating. I found these two articles interesting:
http://www.johnstonsarchive.net/environment/waterworld.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4228411.stm
I find ice fascinating, but mostly when it's in a cocktail. My mummy teaches me about exciting things like global warming, and martinis.
Love,
Dandelion
They say the water levels would rise all over the earth if the ice caps melted. But, if the majority of ice is below sea level, and ice takes up more volume than water, wouldn't the opposite occur?
Hmmm,
Geoff
Baxter says:
HAI GEOF HAAAI! ah wud like to go too the see side but mah mummy wont let mee. maybe all the see-torts that swim will put the ice bak together and save the worl.
love and tort kisses, BAXTER XXX
Dandelion says:
Dear Geoff,
Something like 85% of the world's ice is in the Antarctic, and about 99% of this is grounded rather than floating. I found these two articles interesting:
http://www.johnstonsarchive.net/environment/waterworld.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4228411.stm
I find ice fascinating, but mostly when it's in a cocktail. My mummy teaches me about exciting things like global warming, and martinis.
Love,
Dandelion
Anxious about the Economy
Dear Baxter,
I'm terribly worried about the Economy. What are your thoughts on Quantative Easing? Is it the solution?
I'm so worried about the economy that I constantly have one eye on the FTSE 100 and the oth......well I constantly have one eye on the FTSE 100.
Please Help!
Gordon
Baxter says:
Deeer gorden,
HAY THER! the last time ah had quantatitiv eesin ah was havin a big poo in mah bath.
lov and torty hugs from baxter xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Gordon,
While quantitative easing could stimulate the economy, there are always risks of an over-increase in inflation. I suspect you know all this already. Ease your stress by having a nice hot bath, and have a lovely glass of wine. Or ten.
All the best,
Dandelion
Baxter says:
Deeer gorden,
HAY THER! the last time ah had quantatitiv eesin ah was havin a big poo in mah bath.
lov and torty hugs from baxter xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Gordon,
While quantitative easing could stimulate the economy, there are always risks of an over-increase in inflation. I suspect you know all this already. Ease your stress by having a nice hot bath, and have a lovely glass of wine. Or ten.
All the best,
Dandelion
Thursday, 16 April 2009
Feeling Sleepy
Hi Baxter and Dandelion,
I have just myself a new mummy and daddy who adopted me last week. I think they are weird, they wont give me that nice lettuce that the shop man gave me and mummy keeps dunking me in water all the time when I just want to sleep.
The other day when Mummy was out and Daddy was watching tv I decided to go and explore the universe (which mummy calls 'The Flat'), but daddy found me in the huge room with the cold floor and the rain making machine.
Can you recommend anywhere to hide or some good camouflage techniques the next time Daddy comes to take me home and I am busy exploring the universe?
Thanks for the help
Yoda
Yoda Hilton-Breakey
The Drawer Table
The living Room
The Flat (also known as the Universe)
Baxter says:
oh HAY yoda! i yused to think mah mummy was harbl she made mee hav baths and fed me weeds I yused to hiss at her BUT NOW AH LOV HER. mah baths ar nice.
yoo pesky tort hidin in the rain room, hee hee i think i like yoo.
lov baxterr tort xox
Dandelion says:
Hello Yoda,
Sounds like you're a lucky tort to have found a new mummy and daddy! The baths aren't nice at first but they make sure you have enough fluids to stay a strong strapping young tort. And sometimes, shop men can feed us lettuce without realising it's not the best food for us. It's like torty junk food. Trust your mummy and daddy they know what's best for you!
As for hiding, sometimes I bury myself so deep in soil my mummy thinks I have escaped, but then she can just see a little bit of yellow shell poking out! As a Horsfield you'll soon discover your nature to dig :)
Love,
Dandelion
I have just myself a new mummy and daddy who adopted me last week. I think they are weird, they wont give me that nice lettuce that the shop man gave me and mummy keeps dunking me in water all the time when I just want to sleep.
The other day when Mummy was out and Daddy was watching tv I decided to go and explore the universe (which mummy calls 'The Flat'), but daddy found me in the huge room with the cold floor and the rain making machine.
Can you recommend anywhere to hide or some good camouflage techniques the next time Daddy comes to take me home and I am busy exploring the universe?
Thanks for the help
Yoda
Yoda Hilton-Breakey
The Drawer Table
The living Room
The Flat (also known as the Universe)
Baxter says:
oh HAY yoda! i yused to think mah mummy was harbl she made mee hav baths and fed me weeds I yused to hiss at her BUT NOW AH LOV HER. mah baths ar nice.
yoo pesky tort hidin in the rain room, hee hee i think i like yoo.
lov baxterr tort xox
Dandelion says:
Hello Yoda,
Sounds like you're a lucky tort to have found a new mummy and daddy! The baths aren't nice at first but they make sure you have enough fluids to stay a strong strapping young tort. And sometimes, shop men can feed us lettuce without realising it's not the best food for us. It's like torty junk food. Trust your mummy and daddy they know what's best for you!
As for hiding, sometimes I bury myself so deep in soil my mummy thinks I have escaped, but then she can just see a little bit of yellow shell poking out! As a Horsfield you'll soon discover your nature to dig :)
Love,
Dandelion
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
Summer's Coming!
Dear Baxter,
What's your advice on the best way to maintain your testudinal figure?
Charles
Baxter says:
HAY CHARLES well i burn calorys by nomming extra hard on mah leevs NOM NOM NOM also i like to run up to mah mummy and say HAI
love bax xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Charles,
To stay in tip-top shape I do circuits of my enclosure. There are rocks and pieces of bark and all sorts of things for me to scramble up and work out my torty abs. Also it helps that Baxter eats all my food.
Kind regards,
Dandelion
What's your advice on the best way to maintain your testudinal figure?
Charles
Baxter says:
HAY CHARLES well i burn calorys by nomming extra hard on mah leevs NOM NOM NOM also i like to run up to mah mummy and say HAI
love bax xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Charles,
To stay in tip-top shape I do circuits of my enclosure. There are rocks and pieces of bark and all sorts of things for me to scramble up and work out my torty abs. Also it helps that Baxter eats all my food.
Kind regards,
Dandelion
Advice
Dear Baxter,
How do you feel about Barack Obama? I hope you are a fan!
Love,
An Admirer
Baxter says:
OH HEY ADMIRER i am so glad yoo admire me i am verry hansum arnt i. i think barak has a nice face he is hansum too but not as hansum as me.
lov and smooches xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear 'Admirer',
We are both fans of Obama, I in particular felt quite emotional during the inauguration, and feel that this is a fresh, hopeful new start in the US.
Kind regards,
Dandelion
p.s. Baxter is overrated
How do you feel about Barack Obama? I hope you are a fan!
Love,
An Admirer
Baxter says:
OH HEY ADMIRER i am so glad yoo admire me i am verry hansum arnt i. i think barak has a nice face he is hansum too but not as hansum as me.
lov and smooches xxx
Dandelion says:
Dear 'Admirer',
We are both fans of Obama, I in particular felt quite emotional during the inauguration, and feel that this is a fresh, hopeful new start in the US.
Kind regards,
Dandelion
p.s. Baxter is overrated
A Sensitive Problem
Dear Baxter,
I really am in need of your torty wisdom! You see, I have this problem with my friend, she is quite often prone to the occasional "blonde" moment.......but now I fear she has gone totally off the deep end!
Should I tell her that I think she is a barking raving lunatic and attempt to have her sectioned under the mental health act? Or should I just accept her crazy eccentricities...........after all they may be reason why we all love her so much!
Please, please help oh wise one!
Heather x
Baxter says:
OH HAI Hether,
Yes yoo ar rite i am verry wise thank yoo. I like yoo. It is wensday tooday. I like flowers.
torty kisses from baxter xxxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Heather,
It is often the case that people we see as 'eccentric' are really just misunderstood geniuses; I think this may be the case with your friend. Instead of sectioning her, why not encourage her...after all, you could be dealing with a true mastermind of our generation.
Kind regards,
Dandelion
I really am in need of your torty wisdom! You see, I have this problem with my friend, she is quite often prone to the occasional "blonde" moment.......but now I fear she has gone totally off the deep end!
Should I tell her that I think she is a barking raving lunatic and attempt to have her sectioned under the mental health act? Or should I just accept her crazy eccentricities...........after all they may be reason why we all love her so much!
Please, please help oh wise one!
Heather x
Baxter says:
OH HAI Hether,
Yes yoo ar rite i am verry wise thank yoo. I like yoo. It is wensday tooday. I like flowers.
torty kisses from baxter xxxx
Dandelion says:
Dear Heather,
It is often the case that people we see as 'eccentric' are really just misunderstood geniuses; I think this may be the case with your friend. Instead of sectioning her, why not encourage her...after all, you could be dealing with a true mastermind of our generation.
Kind regards,
Dandelion
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