Unwelcome visitor

Dear Baxter,
I have an evil visitor called Murgatroyd and don't know how to get rid of it. Everytime I move my arm THERE HE IS.
Love,
An Admirer

Baxter says:
HAY THER ADMYRA ah am frytenned wat is this monster yoo hav will it com for baxter plees help ahm scard MAYBEE YOO SHUD CALL THE PLEESS OR YOR MUMMY THATS WOT IDE DOO
lov scard baxter xxxx

Dandelion says:
Dear Baxter's Admirer,
A little birdie has told me that your unwelcome visitor is a burn on your arm. To help treat burns, you could try fresh aloe vera, or some burn cream from the chemist. Keep it clean and if it needs protection, wrap your arm in a loose bandage.
Love,
Dandelion

Upsetting news

Dear Baxter,

I JUST HEARD SOME VERY UPSETTING NEWS ABOUT SOMEONE I ADMIRE VERY MUCH AND DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS POTENTIALLY LIFE ALTERING CHANGE.

WHAT DO I DO?

LOVE,
AN ADMIRER
PS I HEARD A CHANGE ABOUT SOMEONE I ADMIRE LESS ALSO AND THAT IS WAY LESS STRESSFUL
PPS IT'S A TORT

Baxter says:
OH HAY ADMYRER YOO JUST CARNT stay away can yoo ah did not understand wot yoo meen but dandy told mee yoo ar upset that baxter is too yung to no if hee is boy or girl tort and that if he is girl he will be calld JOOLY BAXTER well doant yoo wurry mah lovly baxter is MAN THROO AN THROO ah am jus shor of it ah meen can yoo imajin bax layin EGGS WELL CAN YOO
lov BAXTER BOY TORT XXX

Bratty tort

Hi Uncy Bax and Aunty Dandy,
Mummy and Daddy brought a new tort to my house last week. He is a brat. He is called Thor and he just wont let me sleep because he is always running around, waking me up and he steals my food!
Do you have any recommendations for getting rid of pesky bratty torts for good? I tried burying him alive but mummy found him.
Thanking you in advance
Yoda

Baxter says:
OH HAY YODA ITS YOO AGEN if tort is meen yoo shud steel his food or tell yor mummy that he is eevil tort ah like yoo yoo no baxter is on yor side leetle tort
LOV YOR FAVERIT TORT THE BAXMAN XXXX

Dandelion says:
Dear Yoda,
Perhaps Thor is overexcited at being in his new home. Maybe you should try and be friends with this tort. And if he carries on the way he is, tell your mummy who will make things better.
Love,
Dandy

Swine flu

Dear Baxter,
I am worried about swine flu. I heard somewhere that if you catch it you turn into a pig! Is this true?
Love from
I. M. Worried

Baxter says:
DEER IM WURRID HAAAAAAAAAAY ah doant no bout no swahn floo baxter doant want to turn into pigg if yoo ar pig doo yoo hav to marry frog and hav blond curly hare NO THANK YOO
lov baxter tort xxx

Dandelion says:
Dear I.M. Worried,
I can assure you, you will not turn into a pig from catching anything, including swine flu. I hope you can sleep easy now.
Kind regards,
Dandelion

What's my name?

Hi Bax & Dandy,
My new mate yoda said you was good to arsk questions to. I am mixed up. This woman called mummy took me away from my mates and made me liv with yoda, the new world is nice and I like to run run run run run round it and dig dig dig under the hills. The problem is, tho I like it, nobody nos who I am! They call me many names and its mixin me up. I don't like the first name thy called me so they are calling me lots of difrnt things to find one that fits. I nevr no when thy are talking to me!
Yoda just calls me 'hey you!' which makes me sad, but I showd him by trying to dig undr him whn he went to bed! Ha!
Mummy sez she likes skoda, but not sure if she is talking bout me or a big mettle monstr that takes yu to places. She also likes stegosaurus (steg 4 short), which is also a big monstr!
Am I a big metle monster that takes yu to places? I would like to be a monstr! I cud scare yoda!
See you latr
Tort with no name (possibly skoda or steg or something else)

Baxter says:
DEER SHERRILL AH HAV GIVEN yoo name it is sherrill like that pritty hooman on telly ah like her AH DOANT NO ar yoo monster? if yoo ar yoo cud go RAAA and yoda wud run away I LIKE YOO SHERRIL LOV BAXTER XXX

Dandelion says:
Hello little tort,
If you are Yoda's new friend then I know you have just been given a new name! It is Thor, what a great name. You should trust your mummy she knows what's best for you. And I can reassure you that you are not a big metal monster.
Love,
Dandy x

Poles time

Dear Baxter and Dandy,
I am sooooo very confused, please help me....
If GMT is now and Singapore is 7-8 hours ahead and America several hours behind. What time is it on the North or south poles right on top of the earths axis? Because they are in all the time zones all at once!!! How can you tell the time?
Best Regards
Miss V Confused

Baxter says:
HAY HAY miss confoosd wear is singapoor what is time zoan> doo yoo meen wher ther is pengwins baxter like pengwins PLEES CAN AH HAS A PENGWIN OF MAH VERRY OWN
LOVE THE BAXMAN XXX

Dandelion says:
Dear Miss V Confused,
It would be the same time as it is here. Both the north and south poles officially use Coordinated Universal Time, which is roughly equivalent to GMT.
Kind regards,
Dandelion

Worried about adoption!

Dear Baxter and Dandy,

What's your views on adoption? If your Mummy adopts another child (or tort), does that mean that your Mummy doesn't love you any more and is going to love the new child (or tort) more than you??

Well does it, Baxter, does it! The very thought of it is making me anxious!

Anon

Baxter says:
DEER ANON mah mummy lovs mee mor than anythin how cud she lov anuther tort mor than BAX HOW AH SAID HOW just luk at baxs cute face
lov baxter tort xxx THE BEST TORT

Dandelion says:
Dear Anon.,
All torts are adopted; we are not a very maternal species and it is down to humans to raise us captive bred torts. There are many torts out there who need homes and I think it is brilliant that there are humans out there who want to take care of us. I know that my mummy has recently adopted another tort who hasn't had a very nice life so far, and I'm happy that this tort will now have all the things a tort needs.
Love,
Dandelion
p.s. Don't tell Baxter

Baxter says:
WAAAAATTT???? HOO IS THIS TORT